This is part 2 of the “Things No One Tells You About Being Pregnant” short series I promised at the beginning of this week! I hope you enjoy this last installment and can relate to the every day craziness of being pregnant (whether you are currently pregnant or have been before!)
T H I N G S N O O N E T E L L S Y O U A B O U T B E I N G P R E G N A N T (P A R T 2):
21.) You feel like you’re training for an MMA fight on the daily–You will finally get comfortable in your sea of pillows or eat a bowl of sugary goodness and it’s like you’ve just awakened the harbingers of the apocalypse. Get ready for kicks, punches and summersaults worthy of Jackie Chan’s seal of approval. Baby vs. mom. Ding ding!
22.) Every pair of shoes you wear makes your feet look and feel like boats— First off, forget about your high heels. They are evil death traps. Flip flops and sandals are your new BFF and even those won’t stop your feet from swelling (if you are prone to that). Keep calm and cankle on.
23.) Your bed becomes your love affair— Leaving your bed will get harder and harder every month to accomplish. The comfort of all your pillow children coaxes you to stay forever. Also falling to sleep gets more impossible as you grow to the size of a sumo wrestler.
24.) You think stretch marks won’t come after you–but they find you in the dark of the night and take you down– Apply stretch mark cream they said. It will work they said. You think you’re in the safe zone until all of a sudden you will wake up one morning and find purple, reddish horror in the shape of Charlotte’s web all over you. Oh and stretch marks are so kind as to not be biased too. They appear on your sides, stomach, boobies–it doesn’t matter where you hide–they WILL find you.
(Stretch marks: WE GON’ FIND YOU, WE GON’ FIND YOU)
25.) Even a whiff of a margarita makes your mind explode– You will not only find yourself living through others, but asking to sniff their drinks in an attempt to get nose schwasted. Even if you weren’t that into the whole drinking scene, now that it’s been the forbidden fruit for months, you WANT that lemon drop, damn it.
26.) Your husband’s clothes don’t belong to him anymore–After your few designated outfits have run out or don’t fit you anymore towards the end, you WILL raid the bae’s closet like a last chance sale in Kmart. Being comfortable is now top priority and his baggy t-shirts and sweatpants are suddenly sexier to you than that apple pie you’re about to eat.
27.) Braxton Hicks are a false hope–You’ll think you are having contractions for real this time and get your hopes up. But JK HAHAH…no. You’ll feel like you’re on a particularly frustrating episode of Punk’d but with a way more annoying Ashton Kutcher (a.k.a your baby who apparently NEVER wants to come out).
28.) Every phone call starts with, “HAVE YOU HAD THE BABY YET?!?” or “IS IT HAPPENING?!?”– CLEARLY NOT PEOPLE OR I WOULDN’T BE PICKING UP THE PHONE. I would be panting and pushing out my miracle nugget.
29.) You want to unzip your own skin like a tight pair of pants–As you become more and more pregnant, you will experience tightness with the force of a thousand suns. Especially after you eat. You will want to unstrap your belly off you like an unfashionable fanny pack or literally shed it like a snake.
30.) Sumo squatting is the only way to bend over–If you drop something, you are never getting it back. Like, ever. Since you can’t bend over the massive obstruction that is your belly, you find yourself doing these awkward moves that resemble a professional sumo wrestler or a really strange yoga teacher.
31.) You say “back when I was skinny” like an old woman reminiscing on the good old days–The pictures you thought you looked fat? Yeah…dime piece.
32.) No bathroom is close enough—Beware my preggo friends. Laugh too hard, cry too hard, sit too hard…and it’s all over. You are a leaky faucet now and that is your new reality. You start questioning if you should have bought those new born diapers in your own size. Whenever you need to go you waddle for your life to the nearest facility.
33.) You both fear labor yet welcome it like the Jehovah’s Witnesses at your door–The mixture of horror stories and stories of the bounteous beauty of labor has you confused and scared. Some women you’ve talked to describe labor like a scene from Silence of the Lambs and others describe it like the magical world of Harry Potter. Either way, you feel like you are stepping inside a sketchy wardrobe to unknown Narnia. By the time you are 9 months though, you have definitely had enough and count down the days regardless.
34.) Your nose bleeds enough to feed Edward Cullen’s whole family- For some pregnant women, this isn’t a problem but if you do or have had this problem, you definitely feel like you should be watching your back for vampires.
35.) Your doctor has been telling you to have sexy time and you’re like LOL–Your doctor will tell you this will help the baby come out sooner but it’s literally mission impossible. You would rather cuddle the pillow children surrounding you. Plus, you and your significant other both believe you have turned into some sort of rolly, polly troll monster.
(Sexy time? Smashing.)
Which of these points can you relate to?