Yesterday was my due date. Guess what? Baby decided the date of her grand entrance will be a surprise. In honor of her lack of punctuality I comprised a huge list of things that no one told me about being pregnant. I had so much to say that I split my list into two parts (that will be in two separate posts).
Sarcastic as I may be, these are the things that I have learned along the glorious path of pregnancy. Arm yourselves with knowledge, my lady friends.
T H I N G S N O O N E T E L L S Y O U A B O U T B E I N G P R E G N A N T (PART 1):
1.) “Are you EXCITED?!?” is the most asked-and dumbest question of your life–Seriously people? It’s like asking the everyday question, “how are you?” and replying, “Awful, my life is a literal explosion of sadness and pain.” What do people THINK you are going to reply when they ask you this??? Of course you are excited! Granted, you might occasionally feel scared or overwhelmed but that is totally normal when you’re expecting.
2.) People judge your coffee choices–Your Starbucks experience will never be the same. God forbid you utter “decaf” as the last word of your order and not as the first word. I swear up until you say that magical word your barista (and everyone who overhears you in line) will look at you as if you just slaughtered a baby seal.
3.) Morning sickness isn’t just for the morning–The name is a lie. A dirty, dirty lie. “Morning” sickness can hit you like a ton of bricks any time of the day or night–and all the crackers in the world won’t heal you. Also, the myth that morning sickness is restricted to the lovely art of vomiting is not true. It can range from slight nausea to a feeling of constant car-sickness to a bad, bad hangover.
4.) You question the existence of your baby–until one day you wake up–and you’re Free Willy–For the first few months your belly either wont change at all or you will just look bloated. Then one day you wake up and it’s just there.
5.) You’ll make unspeakable noises you never knew could come out of you–Between the farts and the burps, I don’t know what’s worse. Your husband/significant other will never look at you as the same, polite and sexy woman you once were. Obviously the baby did it. Yeah…let’s go with that one.
6.) You will suddenly have a million pillow children– You will find yourself buried alive by thousands of fluffy friends. You will start off with one under your stomach and then you will slowly amass your minions like your life depends on it. Your sleep depends on it really but when you’re preggo, sleep=life.
7.) Your cravings are CRAY–My own cravings started out innocently enough. First I wanted grapefruit–then peaches and mangoes–and then all of a sudden I was salivating at every carton of icecream in the frozen aisle. And it’s not just like, “oh, I want that today”–it’s more like “I NEED YOU OR I WILL LITERALLY DIE ON THE SPOT I AM STANDING.” Congratulations, you are now the strangest type of drug addict there is.
8.) You find your IQ has dropped substantially– It starts out as forgetting your cell phone or your best friends’ birthday. Then your friend has to walk you through starting a car step by step (true story). You will probably question your sanity and smarts on a daily basis…wait…what am I talking about again?
9.) Your unborn child has a bigger wardrobe than you do–People will rain down gifts upon you. Lots of them. One of these main gifts will probably be clothes. Clothes that you will envy and want to try on…your big toe. Meanwhile, you’re just getting bigger by the minute and you slowly start to realize that none of your own clothes fit you. That crop top you wore a few months ago now looks like a loin cloth.
10.) Every pregnant woman is not-so-secretly judging you– I don’t know what it is but pregnant women are secretly like mini Simon Cowells–but with more waddling and less British accent. Whenever I meet a fellow pregnant woman we always ask each other, “how far along are you?” If you are anywhere remotely close in months then you will no doubt compare eachothers’ belly sizes, symptoms and overall awesomeness as a creator of life. God-forbid you have had less morning sickness or are skinnier in any way and you can feel her laser dart eyes searing your soul.
11.) You find that other women take sick pleasure in horrifying you– You will hear stories. Horrifying stories that will forever change you as a pregnant lady. From epidurals paralyzing you to ripping lady parts–you will walk away scarred from some of the things women (and the internet) will tell you.
12.) Your gyno is unmoved by any question, emotion or pain you experience–Don’t get me wrong. Your gyno is there to help you and answer your questions throughout your pregnancy. But sometimes those answers are way more straight forward than you meant for them to be. You will wonder how she doesn’t even flinch from investigating the depths of hoo-ha’s all day, analyzing urine and taking out her go-go gatchet papsmear!
13.) Your hormones stampede like the wildabeasts of Africa–You’ll find that your baby has the power of mind control. One minute you can be crying over the smallest thing and the next your laughing maniacally at the cereal you just poured. Being bi-polar is your new reality.
14.) You’ve gone from person to vessel– People will ask you more about the baby then about yourself. You are now the carrier of a glorious nugget of joy and that is your sole mission in life.
15.) Nothing is TMI anymore–You become so comfortable with your newly acquired bodily functions that nothing phases you anymore. You find yourself talking openly about things that just shouldn’t be shared with the general public. You’re perfectly ok with it but your friends are traumatized after conversations with you.
16.) People literally believe you are crippled–and you believe it too at the end– If you mention that you actually did something that day remotely physically active people act like you have just walked on water. You’ll find people wanting to help you with groceries and congratulating you for walking across the house or doing the dishes. You think this is ridiculous until you are close to the end of your pregnancy. Then you just wish you had a team of elves to help you with every day projects.
17.) Your due date is just a guesstimate– Since yesterday was my due date I can say this with confidence. Don’t get all worked up about the due date your doctor gives you. The baby comes when baby wants. You can walk one thousand miles with Vanessa Carlton all you want–that baby ain’t coming.
18.) If you live somewhere hot, you may never buy any stretchy pants or preggo leggings–Coming from experience, I did not buy a single pair of these. I lived in maxi dresses to get all the ventilation humanly possible. Why you ask? I live in Florida. The sweaty armpit of Satan.
19.) You look at puppies with a new perspective– Before I was pregnant, I wanted a puppy but never got one because of the responsibilities involved. Now I look at puppies and laugh. Babies are like tetris level 2000 compared to a puppy. (I still want a puppy though).
20.) Some of the baby things you buy have horrifying names and descriptions–Just look at the description and usage for nipple cream. Enough said.
What things did you learn during your pregnancy?