Things No One Tells You About Being Pregnant | www.annemariemitchell.com

Yesterday was my due date. Guess what? Baby decided the date of her grand entrance will be a surprise. In honor of her lack of punctuality I comprised a huge list of things that no one told me about being pregnant. I had so much to say that I split my list into two parts (that will be in two separate posts).

Sarcastic as I may be, these are the things that I have learned along the glorious path of pregnancy. Arm yourselves with knowledge, my lady friends. 

T H I N G S   N O   O N E   T E L L S   Y O U   A B O U T   B E I N G   P R E G N A N T   (PART 1): 

1.) “Are you EXCITED?!?” is the most asked-and dumbest question of your life–Seriously people? It’s like asking the everyday question, “how are you?” and replying, “Awful, my life is a literal explosion of sadness and pain.” What do people THINK you are going to reply when they ask you this??? Of course you are excited! Granted, you might occasionally feel scared or overwhelmed but that is totally normal when you’re expecting. 

2.) People judge your coffee choices–Your Starbucks experience will never be the same. God forbid you utter “decaf” as the last word of your order and not as the first word. I swear up until you say that magical word your barista (and everyone who overhears you in line) will look at you as if you just slaughtered a baby seal. 

(pink shirt=you. Everyone else=barista & people in line)

 

3.) Morning sickness isn’t just for the morning–The name is a lie. A dirty, dirty lie. “Morning” sickness can hit you like a ton of bricks any time of the day or night–and all the crackers in the world won’t heal you. Also, the myth that morning sickness is restricted to the lovely art of vomiting is not true. It can range from slight nausea to a feeling of constant car-sickness to a bad, bad hangover. 

4.) You question the existence of your baby–until one day you wake up–and you’re Free Willy–For the first few months your belly either wont change at all or you will just look bloated. Then one day you wake up and it’s just there. 

5.) You’ll make unspeakable noises you never knew could come out of you–Between the farts and the burps, I don’t know what’s worse. Your husband/significant other will never look at you as the same, polite and sexy woman you once were. Obviously the baby did it. Yeah…let’s go with that one.

6.) You will suddenly have a million pillow children– You will find yourself buried alive by thousands of fluffy friends. You will start off with one under your stomach and then you will slowly amass your minions like your life depends on it. Your sleep depends on it really but when you’re preggo, sleep=life.

7.) Your cravings are CRAY–My own cravings started out innocently enough. First I wanted grapefruit–then peaches and mangoes–and then all of a sudden I was salivating at every carton of icecream in the frozen aisle. And it’s not just like, “oh, I want that today”–it’s more like “I NEED YOU OR I WILL LITERALLY DIE ON THE SPOT I AM STANDING.” Congratulations, you are now the strangest type of drug addict there is. 

8.) You find your IQ has dropped substantially– It starts out as forgetting your cell phone or your best friends’ birthday. Then your friend has to walk you through starting a car step by step (true story). You will probably question your sanity and smarts on a daily basis…wait…what am I talking about again?

9.) Your unborn child has a bigger wardrobe than you do–People will rain down gifts upon you. Lots of them. One of these main gifts will probably be clothes. Clothes that you will envy and want to try on…your big toe. Meanwhile, you’re just getting bigger by the minute and you slowly start to realize that none of your own clothes fit you. That crop top you wore a few months ago now looks like a loin cloth.  

10.) Every pregnant woman is not-so-secretly judging you– I don’t know what it is but pregnant women are secretly like mini Simon Cowells–but with more waddling and less British accent. Whenever I meet a fellow pregnant woman we always ask each other, “how far along are you?” If you are anywhere remotely close in months then you will no doubt compare eachothers’ belly sizes, symptoms and overall awesomeness as a creator of life. God-forbid you have had less morning sickness or are skinnier in any way and you can feel her laser dart eyes searing your soul. 

11.) You find that other women take sick pleasure in horrifying you– You will hear stories. Horrifying stories that will forever change you as a pregnant lady. From epidurals paralyzing you to ripping lady parts–you will walk away scarred from some of the things women (and the internet) will tell you. 

12.) Your gyno is unmoved by any question, emotion or pain you experience–Don’t get me wrong. Your gyno is there to help you and answer your questions throughout your pregnancy. But sometimes those answers are way more straight forward than you meant for them to be. You will wonder how she doesn’t even flinch from investigating the depths of hoo-ha’s all day, analyzing urine and taking out her go-go gatchet papsmear!

13.) Your hormones stampede like the wildabeasts of Africa–You’ll find that your baby has the power of mind control. One minute you can be crying over the smallest thing and the next your laughing maniacally at the cereal you just poured. Being bi-polar is your new reality. 

(Simba= your husband. Wildabeasts=your hormones)

 

14.) You’ve gone from person to vessel– People will ask you more about the baby then about yourself. You are now the carrier of a glorious nugget of joy and that is your sole mission in life. 

15.) Nothing is TMI anymore–You become so comfortable with your newly acquired bodily functions that nothing phases you anymore. You find yourself talking openly about things that just shouldn’t be shared with the general public. You’re perfectly ok with it but your friends are traumatized after conversations with you. 

16.) People literally believe you are crippled–and you believe it too at the end– If you mention that you actually did something that day remotely physically active people act like you have just walked on water. You’ll find people wanting to help you with groceries and congratulating you for walking across the house or doing the dishes. You think this is ridiculous until you are close to the end of your pregnancy. Then you just wish you had a team of elves to help you with every day projects. 

 

17.) Your due date is just a guesstimate– Since yesterday was my due date I can say this with confidence. Don’t get all worked up about the due date your doctor gives you. The baby comes when baby wants. You can walk one thousand miles with Vanessa Carlton all you want–that baby ain’t coming.

18.) If you live somewhere hot, you may never buy any stretchy pants or preggo leggings–Coming from experience, I did not buy a single pair of these. I lived in maxi dresses to get all the ventilation humanly possible. Why you ask? I live in Florida. The sweaty armpit of Satan. 

19.) You look at puppies with a new perspective– Before I was pregnant, I wanted a puppy but never got one because of the responsibilities involved. Now I look at puppies and laugh. Babies are like tetris level 2000 compared to a puppy. (I still want a puppy though).

20.) Some of the baby things you buy have horrifying names and descriptions–Just look at the description and usage for nipple cream. Enough said.

 

 | SEE PART 2 OF THIS POST BY CLICKING HERE |

What things did you learn during your pregnancy?

anne-marie-signature

 

  • Melissa

    I learned ALL of those things during my first pregnancy!!! Thank goodness I had a friend who had a baby five months before me and she helped guide me. She was the one my husband called when I was bawling in the hospital because breastfeeding was much harder than I thought it would be. Okay, the true story is I was cursing all the women who had ever told me “Oh it’s so natural, the baby just latches right on!” My exact words were “Those b****s LIED to me!!!” LOL It did get better, I promise. Both my babies became champion breastfeeders. And I made enough milk to feed a small village. Which people normally say “Oh what a nice problem to have!” Um…not really…overproduction comes with its own set of issues. But that’s another story for another day.

    I did experience a lot of hard things with pregnancy and having a newborn. I felt like I couldn’t talk about it because all anyone seemed to say was how sweet and wonderful and amazing it was, and I felt like what the heck was wrong with me??? The reality was, there was nothing wrong with me. I didn’t need to put on a mask and pretend everything was all fine all the time. It’s important to have friends to be honest with, friends who will hug you and tell you you’re doing a good job, that these phases pass, things do get easier and more fun, and to laugh with about things you can’t say on the internet because The Anonymous Self-Righteous Mommy Brigade will flog you. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    And now I’m going to get all church-y on you but I can’t help myself. The journey of motherhood has not been anything like I expected, but almost five years in I can look back and see the lessons the Lord had for me to learn. The biggest one being how not in control of life I am, and how in control He is and how completely I can trust Him. It wasn’t anything like I expected but what it has taught me and how it has grown me has been far more valuable.

    • Omg yes so many people have told me that breast feeding can be no joke for some women!! I haven’t started lactating yet and my baby is already a couple days late so that worries me! My mom told me about overproduction as well and how it can make the breasts feel so tight and uncomfortable! :/

      I also love that you mentioned about it being difficult because I have felt the same way. Of course I am excited but it definitely takes you on a journey of unexpected twists and turns. I have said the same thing, “what is wrong with me?” so I can really relate in that way. I think women are especially hard on themselves and women don’t make it easier for eachother because we fall into the trap of judging one another too!!! I’ve realized that perfection is unattainable and that no one lives the perfect lives we think other people live. It’s hard with social media now adays because obviously we only see what people want us to see so it’s easy to think that others are having more fun than us, more accomplished…etc. etc.

      Also please don’t apologize for “getting churchy!” I grew up in a very Christian home and although I admit I am still “finding my way” in that respect I have definitely seen God work in my life and in many aspects regarding this baby. You have read my post “pregnant at 22” and you know how that ended. ๐Ÿ™‚ I definitely wouldn’t have been able to cope if I hadn’t found some type of solace somewhere and God was definitely a large part of that. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Anne-Marie Mitchell

      • Melissa

        I think I mentioned this on one of your other posts but having a high-quality nursing bra is a must, especially if overproduction happens. I found one – exactly ONE – brand of nursing bra that was the perfect balance of enough support and enough stretchiness. I tried to wear a regular bra a few too many times and ended up with clogged ducts and mastitis. Oops. *facepalm*

        I absolutely loved your “Pregnant at 22” post. Life certainly does not always go the way we planned or expected, but even with the twists and turns and surprises it can still turn out to be so beautiful. My older brother and his wife were three months pregnant with their first baby at their wedding, and they are going on 9 years of marriage and have three beautiful kids. ๐Ÿ™‚

        • Yes I remember seeing that and thank you thank you for the recommendation!!! I’m sure it will be a life saver for the “twins” lollll! Also that is so beautiful about your older brother and wife! I was 4 months pregnant at mine so I can definitely relate to that and so it’s really heart-warming to hear for me that their marriage is still so strong and wonderful!

          Anne-Marie Mitchell

  • Ariel

    Oh goodness if you didn’t hit all the topics I don’t know who will. I felt this same way when I was pregnant. Its so funny though, because you have this idea of what pregnancy is like from stories people tell you and movies, but the real deal is no joke! Especially the part about farting and burping that was me all the way, its uncontrollable BOL. Also, when you were talking about the memory and hormones. One time I could not find my camera at my friends house and had a melt down looking for it all night. IT WAS IN THE BOX smh. Ahh the funny joys of being pregnant. My son came 3 weeks early, you are so right that little bundle will come when they are ready!
    I really enjoyed reading this blog it gave me many flashbacks!

    • Thank you so much Ariel! ๐Ÿ™‚ hahaa YES it definitely is no joke! You are sooo right about the movies portraying it in the wrong way! The only movie I think shows pregnancy for all the ups and downs it truly is is the movie “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” If you havent seen it, it’s hilarious and definitely worth watching! It shows how different pregnancies can range depending on the woman! ๐Ÿ™‚ And LOL about your camera, I can definitely relate to that especially as a blogger since I have to take a ton of pictures so when I lose my camera I FREAK out! My husband has saved me a lot of times on that one lol! I’m so glad you enjoyed the post and part two is coming this week! Thanks so much for commenting as well it really makes my day!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Anne-Marie Mitchell

  • Samantha Anderson

    I loved this!!!!!!! OMG I laughed, cried, craved mangos, and laughed again!

    • LOL “craved mangoes” hahaha! ๐Ÿ˜‰ sounds like we have something in common! Thank you so much for your wonderful compliment and I’m so glad you enjoyed my sarcastic banter! Also that was so kind of you to feature this post on your instagram account! I saw you are pregnant as well so congratulations lovely!

      Anne-Marie Mitchell

  • Nicole Elizabeth

    This is too perfect. I had my baby girl 3 months ago [she was born 1 day after her due date- just to be annoying I’m sure] and I could relate to every single one of these. Especially the all-day car sickness feeling. Ugh! Thanks for the laughs and I hope your little one arrives soon!

    • Congrats on your little nugget! I am almost a week late now so I hope I won’t have to be induced! :0 I’m glad you could relate to this–we moms gotta stick together in the fight! hahaha! Thank you for your kind comment as well and I’m glad we can laugh together about this! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Anne-Marie Mitchell

  • Nora Worrell

    This is one of the funniest things you have every written! Totally made my day ๐Ÿ™‚ Glad I have an amazing, talented, and beautiful friend like you who knows the ins and outs of motherhood! Can’t wait to meet the little nug (but tell her to hurry up okay?)!!

    • Thanks Nora! Ah it’s so fun to see you comment on here, I think this comment system is a lot easier for most people! (I know you said you had trouble before) And LOL I can’t wait to meet the nugget either, I’m almost a week late now so I think I’ll have to be induced on Monday. She is marinating in there obviously! haha! love you xoxo

      Anne-Marie Mitchell

  • Ahhh, yes the perils & challenges of being pregnant! You sound like me. I have never quite enjoyed everything that comes along with it (although it’s happened to me six times! lol) but I only endure everything for the end result ๐Ÿ™‚ That’s for darn sure!

    Thanks so much for sharing with us at Mom 2 Mom Link Up! Hope you come join us again, Rachael @ Diamonds in the Rough